Once, while my Grandma was still living, she fell out of her chair and didn't have the strength to get to her feet. When my mom found my grandma she was lying on the floor next to the window sill picking dead leaves out of the potted African Violets. When my mom asked why she dragged herself over there Gram replied, "I figured I might be down here for a while I might as well make myself useful."
It's been two weeks. I finally went for a 30 minute jog yesterday. It was raining, misty, the trail was soft and the dogs and I were in heaven. There were no symptoms from the tibial stress reaction so that was encouraging. I had intended to use this time "Off" from running to really work in the weight room, hit the yoga, stretch, recover, relax. I was going to embrace restorative measures. Instead I started working on my "to do" list for the house, garden, and work. After a week off I went to Crossfit. I walked in and seeing the times on the board: 45-50 minutes. I knew we were in for a tough and longer than usual.
For the first time in a long while I had to drop to my knees to complete the second and third rounds of push-ups. I immediately thought of my tibia. "I'm falling apart, I'm getting weaker, I can't compete, I'm so tired." I watched everyone around me moving double time. Kevin kept asking, "last round kris?" I'd have to answer, "No, just my second." He'd just smile and say, "Good work." When I finished and looked around the room everyone had the same look of accomplishment and contentment on their face. No one cared that I didn't seem as "tough" as I thought myself to be. No one wondered why I was so slow, so tired, so weak. In fact everyone was smiling at everyone else, me included, as if to say, "I know first-hand what you just went through and I respect and admire you for sticking with it to the end with the rest of us."
We all have our moments of glory. The days were we feel unstoppable, on fire, in the zone, at the top of our game. We walk away from the accomplishments of those days in a cloud. What just happened? Where did that come from? How did I do that?! Of course we strive and hope to have more of these days than the days when we are not at the top of our game. On the days when we pause to think, "Wow, I'm really struggling with this, I'm going to have to make it easier...just to finish, I'm hardly on fire...I'm barely luke warm!" But I believe it's these more difficult times, when the world brings you to your knees, that we learn from our mistakes and weaknesses and improve ourselves by working on them. Sometimes just showing up and giving your all when your all is clearly not what you expect or hoped it would be, is what makes you stronger. Working on a weakness is not fun, because it makes us vulnerable which doesn't feel very strong. But when we stay with it and persevere we overcome obstacles. Overcoming obstacles redefines what we believe is possible. Removing limitations set only by fear or ignorance opens the door to achieve amazing things.
I've had to strip the weight, stop the forward momentum, and find my slow-moving, low-calorie burning center. At first this ridiculously seemed like the end of my world, an admittedly melodramatic, self-centered, short-sighted response to a temporary obstacle. I'm still struggling with the interruption to my training schedule, to my plans. But I am fully aware of the benefits that have come with this injury and imposed vulnerability. I've been forced to shift my perspective, even if it may be a temporary shift. It's been enlightening. I've had more time to spend with friends and family. My body is relaxing slowly into the idea that it doesn't have to be moving forward 100 mph to accomplish things. I'm hoping to apply this knowledge to my training when I continue. Admittedly I've already "learned" this lesson a few times. Maybe this time it will take. Like my Grandma, it's just a matter of re-defining what is useful.
